Jun 27, 2013; Brooklyn, NY, USA; A general view as NBA commissioner David Stern (right) , deputy commissioner Adam Silver (left) and former NBA player Hakeem Olajuwon speak on stage after the first round of the 2013 NBA Draft at the Barclays Center. Mandatory Credit: Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports

2014 NBA Draft Lottery ping-pong night of luck, disaster and tomfoolery


Tonight, the 2014 NBA Draft Lottery will set the NBA Draft order via ping-pong balls. And if any of my ex-girlfriends have ever taught me anything, it is that balls don’t lie.

So, really, a slew of NBA franchises’ fates rest in the hands of something most people use to play table tennis or beer pong.

Honestly, it might be the greatest gift the NBA has ever given us. Teams tank all year-long, in the hopes of increasing their chances of getting a ball to bounce in their favor. So, again, NBA owners, GMs, scouts, etc., are all hoping that a ball is caressed, massaged, and handled in such a way, that it ends up giving them the number one overall pick in the NBA Draft.

The glorious insanity of it all.

Think about that for a minute. I mean, truly think about that. The NBA allows a circular object to control the destiny of organizations throughout the entire country.

Well, unless you are a conspiracy theorist. You think the NBA goes out-of-the-way to make sure certain teams get certain positions in the draft. Just like that time David Stern made sure that huge market of San Antonio got Tim Duncan instead of the small market Boston (sarcasm, folks. Please don’t hurt me with a wicked punch).

Naturally, though, I’ll be watching. I have a horse in the race tonight. No, not any of the teams involved. I am talking about the gosh slam balls.

They certainly don’t get enough attention. Seriously, they do all the work, but the envelopes get all the credit. No picture-box time for those balls, just some weird (oddly, plastic looking) envelopes that are treated as if nuclear launch codes are inside of them.

Could you imagine going to your place of employment, busting your hump all day to reach a goal, only for someone not even associated with anything you do to take all the credit, steal the limelight and become the star of your company because of your aforementioned hard work?

Yeah, man. I am bitter. I am bitter over balls. It can be said that the fact that these balls don’t get enough credit, does in fact, leaves me with a salty taste in my mouth feeling.

Just remember, kids. As the 2014 NBA Draft Lottery is going on tonight, and the world is watching, that balls are making this happen.

Not NBA teams that tanked. Not envelopes who get all the credit. Not even the weird group of assembled franchise representatives.

Balls make it happen. Why?

BECAUSE BALLS DON’T LIE.

*I’m sorry. But balls references, man.

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