Apr 4, 2013; Atlanta, GA, USA; NCAA president Mark Emmert speaks at a press conference in preparation for the men

A (Fake) Letter From Mark Emmert to Student-Athletes

(Rough copy. Please edit all the things you guys think need a tinkering with before we mail them out via the United States Postal Service. Just let me know why you are changing what I be a thinking. Thanks, Marky Mark Emmert.)

Dear Kids I Take Advantage of (um, no) Student-Athletes,

Hey guys! What is good? It’s me. It’s your boy, Mark Emmert. You know, the head of the NCAA and ruiner of your lives (too honest, Mark). I wanted to check in on all of you.

Really, if I were to be honest (an ability I do have), I just wanted to let you know what is going on and why we do what we do. More importantly than all of that, however, I want to make sure you guys all know I am cooler than a cucumber on the opposite side of a pillow. I mean, did you see me take down Jay Bilas?

Listen, I know there happens to be a ton of confusion about why we don’t pay any of you guys. It’s pretty simple, really. We here at the NCAA have all the power (everyone knows this, but no need to glorify). We also represent the best interest of the student-athletes and universities — at which you get free education for your services as athletes. Sure, we make billions of dollars off the two major sports and we can probably share some of that with all of you, but why would we? We haven’t done so in the past and it has worked out pretty well for us so far. Granted, some of you guys could really use the money, but some of us really like our fancy-smancy vehicles. Plus, seriously, I like power. I also like the fact you have none. Call me diabolical, greedy or whatever, just don’t call me stupid (all of that should be self-explanatory).

Every once in a while someone will say to me, “Mark, there has to be some model you can help design to better compensate student-athletes”, and you know what I say to them? I tell them the truth. That it sounds too much like work! Also, if it’s not broke why fix it (Mark, IT IS broke)?

The NCAA truly and deeply cares about you. I swear. How else would we make billions of dollars off of you guys if we didn’t care (……)? You guys are just getting your advice from the wrong people. Jay Bilas doesn’t care about you. He cares about himself, his “lawyering”, quoting hip-rapper-artists (what?) and being a general jerkface (none of this is true). When is the last time he did something for you, the student-athlete?

In the upcoming months you are going to hear a bunch of rumors and gossip about possible super-conferences, the demise of the NCAA and if my hair is real (no one is asking that, yet). Don’t listen to any of it. It’s all hogwash as far as I am concerned. The governing body of college sports was around when we didn’t acknowledge, help or govern women sports, and I’ll be damned if we are going to be put out to pasture by some of you meddling kids as if I were a Scooby-Doo villain (none of this is factually inaccurate, but probably not the right message).

In closing, I want to leave you with a few parting words of wisdom. If it walks like unpaid labor, if it plays like unpaid labor and it doesn’t get paid like paid labor, then it is unpaid labor. You, my friends, are unpaid labor. Unpaid labor deserves no voice and should be kept underneath my shoe like a rat because I am Mark Emmert and I ROAR LIKE A TIGER!!!!


Mark Ernest P. Warrell Emmert

(From editors: Mark, we gave up towards the end. This is on you. No wonder none of the interns last here longer than a few days. Also, why are you doing the SEC pawww? P.S. Your hair looks fake. We quit)

Tags: Bad Humor Mark Emmert NCAA Parody

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