March is mad with people filling out 2014 NCAA Tournament brackets. Really, it is the time of year when productivity in the work office goes down like a Vincent Gallo character, your aunt becomes a basketball wizard and mascots mean as much while picking teams as does the style of play a certain team uses.
It also means that die-hard college basketball fans are no longer smarter than everyone else. You can throw all of that stuff you learned in early January out the window. Sure, it is great you know how many points Cal Poly scored in a two-minute stretch back in December, but Stan from accounting can use the Google Machine and he has about the same chance of picking the right teams in the First Four.
There’s more “different” types of people filling out brackets today. So let’s meet these folks.
Dave (The Alcoholic)
Our good ole pal Dave. He is a hard worker at his real job as a temp at Bank of America, but did you know that he can also drink a Miller High Life with the best of them? Dave is not a college basketball fan. He’s more of an NFL guy. That’s because the NFL is easier for him to keep track of and it gives him an excuse to drink on a Sunday.
Odds of winning: Won’t fill out a bracket because he is drunk or too hungover to remember to do so.
Sandra (Ho-hum Looking Girl Everyone Thinks is Pretty)
We don’t get it. Sandra isn’t ugly, but you would swear she was Kate Upton by the way everyone gawks at her. She’s really nice too, so I guess that plays a major part in everyone wanting a piece of that Sandra pie.
She uses a complex algorithm to fill out her bracket. It is called The Boyfriend Who Beats Me Picks My Bracket For Me 2.0, or something like that.
Odds of winning: 23 percent
Die-hard CBB Guy (CBB Snob)
This is probably you. If you are reading this, then yeah, it is you. You followed college basketball all year long and know all the ins and outs of Syracuse’s zone, Oregon’s up-tempo style of play and think that the seeding is just whack this year — as you say that every year.
You scour through film, take notes and read all the experts in an attempt to figure out the perfect bracket.
Odds of winning: 0 percent
Scott (Engineer, Maths Guy)
We have known Scott for a long time. He was one of our only motivated friends. While we took a few years after high school to find ourselves, Scott went to some fancy school to get his (four) degrees. We hate Scott.
Scott doesn’t watch college basketball. He thinks sports are for dumb-dumbs. However, he wants that billion dollars being offered so he can use it to build an arc to save walruses. Scott will use some form of mathematical formula to win the bracket and the billion.
Odds of winning: 41 percent
We hate you mom.
Odds of winning: 87 percent
Robert (Your Boss)
You actually really like Robert. Sure, he is your boss and whatnot, but all your hard work at the warehouse is not lost on him. The two of you formed a bond over many a long shifts, after work adult-beverage sessions and your mutual admiration for the work of the greatest tag team competitor in the history of the world, Marty Jannetty.
He likes college hoops, but he is a boss. Bosses go chalk.
Odds of winning: 59 percent
Fay (Lunch Lady)
Your lunch lady, Fay, is a walking sitcom. She jokes with all the other workers while they get their yummies. Even though she isn’t one of the guys, she certainly feels like she is — or at least she thinks she is. Fay is typically 77-years-old.
Fay has heard you and your coworkers talk about each team in the tournament for a few days now. She’s picked up some really good information and her pencil is slowly been removed from her hair…
Odds of winning: 14 percent
Christian Slater (Slates to the Ladies)
It is gosh slam, Christian Slater! He fills out brackets?
Odds of winning: Are you kidding me? He did Hollow Man 2.