Unnecessarily Hating on the Arizona Wildcats

Bluh, bluh, bluh. Arizona Wildcats. Bluh, bluh, bluh. Eat bologna. Mandatory Credit: Casey Sapio-USA TODAY Sports

The Arizona Wildcats might be the number one ranked team in the nation, but how good are they really? I mean, they probably aren’t that good. Like, what makes them so special that they are ranked higher than teams that feature cooler freshmen, better dressed coaches or are located closer to the Eastern Seaboard?

If you take a look at their schedule, well, it is pretty easy to see why they are undefeated. Beating up on the Cal-Pols, Long Beach States, Fairghleigh Dickinsons and Rhode Islands of the world isn’t very impressive. For real, talk to me when they beat up some legitimate opponents.

Oh, the Duke Blue Devils and Michigan Wolverines you say? Well, Duke’s best player is a way more awesome freshman than the one Arizona has. Sure, Aaron Gordon is pretty good and all, but he’s certainly no Jabari Parker. Not by stats, not by prestige of program attending or not by haircut. As for the Wolverines, eh, they stink. They already have four losses and their supposed lottery player, Mitch McGary, is about as reliable as a 1978 something — like a car that stinks.

So all the Arizona Wildcats have is one “marquee win” against a Duke team who is getting better as they go. Super awesome, Wildcats. You took advantage of a young, naive Blue Devils team. Really, we should be shaming you for luring those Duke players to your dark blue van with your lollipops. Nobody puts the Duke Vitales in a corner! Well, unless that corner is covered in sugary, bald love.

Let’s get back to this Gordon fella. How come nobody on this side of the Mississippi has ever heard of this kid? Coming into the year all I read about was Parker, Andrew Wiggins and Julius Randle — and, as we all know, the college basketball fandom rule book states that we are only allowed to have three heavily hyped, super swell freshmen each season. So, derp, this Gordon kid isn’t allowed to be good. I don’t care that he shoots .50 percent from the field or that he can touch his toes.

Who else is even on this roster? According to Google you have some dude named Nick Johnson on the squad. Is it the same guy who played for the Yankees? I hope so. That would make your team a little bit cooler. Everyone loves someone who played in New York.

Holy smokes! The Google Machine also tells me you have a player with two first names. Some Brandon Ashley kid. Not only is that two first names, but one of them — the surname, for you Arizona educated folks — is that of a lady’s! Either his parents hated his guts or that last name has been around for a long time. If my gnarly education has taught me anything, it is probably the hatred of his parents — from him being able to escape his mother’s womb to begin with — that made them name him that.

I do recall the Arizona Wildcats having a pretty good basketball player last year. What in the Sam Cadoodlebecks was his name? Did he transfer, is he redshirted or did he take his game to the next level? I looked super hard for him on an NBA roster, but I can’t find him anywhere. Geez, next thing someone will tell me is that he is playing basketball in Tulsa. LOLOLOLOLOL because that would be funny.

At least they have Sean Miller. He is all that and a bag of chips. Did you know that Sean Miller was featured in a doc for his ball-handling skills? Not that kind of “ball handling”, you sicko. The other kind. You know, basketballs. All of that information was courtesy of Wikipedia. Because, for real, the only thing I honestly know about him is his ability to make the Pac 12 seem like the mafia and for him to be portrayed as an innocent victim of a random curb-stomping/donkey punching/wet willy-ing.

Why do I say all these mean, hateful and totally unnecessary vile things about the Arizona Wildcats? Because I have a platform and I intend to use it to drink Pepsi, hit on baches and take your team down a notch.

(Editors note: This is the fist — and maybe/probably last — in a new Busting Bracket series in which we will take on a character of a troll-ish media person,  famous twitter personality or well known super-fan. The key is not to get angry over the “analysis” of your team, but to guess who we are pretending to be. None of what you read is real. Still, I get it. Some of you will read the first paragraph or two and go right to the comments, but you sir or mam are a dumb-dumb. Now, start guessing. Winner gets nothing, because we don’t love you, but it should be fun and maybe we will even tell you who we are pretending to be…..

No. No we won’t. We hate you. It’s sad, really. I felt the need to let you know this is a satire piece because I don’t trust your intelligence. Errr, you mere mortals.)