NCAA Basketball: Alternate 2019 NCAA Tournament Awards

Advertisement Abomination

This accolade is designed to award the worst commercial of March Madness. Every year, the same five or six advertisements are run every. single. break. You know the suspects. And let’s face the facts: each March, Capital One, Coca-Cola, AT&T, Verizon, and others force-feed us their mediocre marketing content to the point that we memorize the script, not by choice of course, but by sheer force of will on the side of the corporations. Many of these wretched commercials are just total crap (pardon my Irish), and deserve to be flushed down the toilet, the television toilet.

Charles Broccoli – Capital One

I’ll admit, I genuinely enjoyed the Capital One commercials. If a marketing director has Charles Barkley, they better squeeze every last drop of content possible out of the former on-court star and current television darling. Over the past couple seasons, Capital One, a credit card company, threw cash all over the place when it came to advertising. They got the most marketable television personality and bought a behemoth chunk of air-time to promote their product on. Even though most college basketball fans share an affinity for Chuck, the sheer totality of screentime this commercial series received wore on the March Madness audience. And if you used the March Madness Live app or website to stream games, forget it. Every time you switched from game to game, you were subject to a 30-second ad from Capital One.

The words “CHARLES BROCCOLI” thundered through my laptop no less than five million times. Hell, I was walking around campus barking it at friends of mine, the Spike Bri’s and Ham Jackson’s of my life, if you will. Speaking of which, incorporating a personality like Barkley in with Samuel L. Jackson and Spike Lee is going to attract eyes and entertain people almost no matter what. Tossing in the soft, oaky voice of Jim Nantz announcing that there are “blizzard-like conditions at the Final Four” makes for a clip I can’t help but be entertained by. This was my favorite ad, but it fails to attract the universal angst which I’m basing this award off of.  For that reason, they’re merely one of the runner-ups.

The “Just Ok is not OK” Announcer – AT&T

A strong portion of fans hated “Special Contributor” Phil–the “Just Ok” announcer with an alarming ferocity. His blatantly appalling and half-assed jokes rubbed basketball-hungry and commercial-despising fans the wrong way. From his nerdy quirkiness to the Grand Canyon part in his hair, to utter lack of self-awareness, Phil was the perfect punching bag. And Twitter was his Mike Tyson–which is ironic, considering Phil has the ginger hair.

But, these are my awards and I’m not participating in the Phil slander. You know what? I liked his corny jokes and over-the-top commitment to his character. My personal favorite, when his partner inquired, “Phil, tell us about your days as a player.” And my boy responds, “I’m a happily married man, those would hardly be appropriate.” I have no shame admitting I laughed out loud the first time that ad played during the under-16 timeout of the Louisville/Minnesota game. Furthermore, after his partner clarified the question that he was asking about his basketball playing days, Phil answered honestly: “Heavens why? Those are boring.” Hahahaha. Hate me all you want I love Phil with an undying passion. And to win this award, you must have unanimous disdain. For that reason, he’s out.

Winner: Orange Vanilla Coke

For not one second did anyone enjoy the Orange Vanilla Coca Cola campaign. The ads were unimaginative and promoted a miserable product. It would be forgivable if this was normal coke–which, is a fantastic drink and is a mainstay soda. Vanilla coke is also good, but there’s no need for a hundred million dollar advertising campaign for it. Mixing orange and vanilla in my coke? How old are, six? Combining five different flavors of soda in one glass was a common practice of mine when I was a young whippersnapper.

C’mon, we all enjoyed concocting the ultimate mix of brown carbonated beverages. But do you know why children are the only boneheads who practice that exercise? It’s because mixing sodas tastes HORRIBLE. If Dr. Pepper and Pepsi emitted a divine tasting drink when combined, then it would be an option on the fountain. It’s not. And mixing vanilla coke with Fanta sounds like an atrocious formula. I refuse to even try that devil’s nectar.

From what I’ve heard from those brave enough to put their lips on that gaudy can, orange-vanilla coke is, to put it lightly, not what the ads promote it as. The commercials themselves; well, to quote my friend Phil, “those are boring!” I was entertained and the product appears to be total garbage. They take the cake.

Well, those are the three alternate awards I decreed important enough to deserve special recognition. If you have suggestions for future awards let me know down in the comments or on Twitter @Weber2MG